Co-Workers, On ways to annoy the annoying ones

After compiling a mental list of annoying co-workers, find out what irks the living daylights out of each one and then proceed to do that thing. Do it as often and obnoxiously as possible. Do it every day. Don't just do it, amuse yourself by thinking of doing it again. Do it for yourself. Do it for librarianship. Do it for the kid who was born without an immune system. Do it for your country. Do it for me!

Infections, Resisting

Librarians should disinfect public workstations and telephones after each use to avoid the spread of MRSA and other staph infections.

Recognize, however, that no amount of Lysol can remove your library's staff infection.

Friends, Making

A librarian should never reject the friendship of another person in the social networking Library 2.0 online environment. There are lots of perverts out there who need "friends" too.

Silly, Twittering yourself

Librarians who participate in the Web 2.0-world of Twitter, should heed these general etiquette rules:

1. Set up a second Twitter account for your anonymous self.
2. Recognize that this activity is not considered working.
3. Always wash your hands after you tweet.
4. Never shit where you tweet.
5. Make your twitter updates as mundane as humanly possible.
   

Much like fornicating and drinking, one may tweet alone, but it is more fun to do it with someone else... the more, the merrier.

Nominating, Self-

Never nominate yourself for an award or prize even if self-nominations are encouraged. Such egotistical gestures are undignified, vain, and narcissistic. Instead, delegate this task to one of your subordinates.

SLA Division and Chapter websites, On wrecking as much as possible

There's no better way to represent your gnarly web organization and design skills than to volunteer to manage the website(s) of an SLA Divison or Chapter. Make sure that most of the 'newsy' announcements are at least six months out of date, that the links don't work (especially the important ones) and that you organize the info not with fancy Flash or Java functions, but rather with crappy looking tables and low-resolution photos and buttons. Furthermore, make sure that you guilt trip your fellow librarians into paying the astronomical association dues in order to maintain such a visual bounty of awesomeness. We wouldn't want to have to host those fuckers on a Geocities site with banner ads for spy cameras, would we?