- Replace compact fluorescent light bulbs with... no light bulbs.
- Replace photocopiers with volunteer oral historians.
- Charge $5 per printed page. (Twenty-page minimum.)
- Hire volunteer sex-offenders to conduct all story-time and young adult programming.
- Replace audio-book collection with homeless people who will follow patrons around and read books aloud.
- Heat the library by burning Bibles.
- Stop buying vampire novels.
Friday, March 05, 2010
Budget, Cutting the
In tough economic times, libraries are often forced to make painful budget cuts. Too often though, these cuts (layoffs, materials spending, etc.) happen behind the scenes and go unnoticed by library patrons. Librarians can help their own budget situations by making bold, noticeable budget cuts that are sure to capture the attention of their users. Some suggestions:
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23 comments:
Replace toilet paper with A) Current vampire novels in the collection. B) Recycled print offs. C) Recycled newspaper.
Fire the director and replace him or her with a magic 8 ball.
Replace the computers with typewriters.
Turn off wi-fi.
Fines go to $5 per day.
DVD's must be viewed in the library only on the 1 B&W TV with a 9 inch screen.
Eliminate shelving and shelvers; revert to leaving all books in a huge pile on the floor.
All "new" computer purchases must be recycled DOS machines
Put a sign at the top of the door that says "You must be this tall to enter for free. All others pay $5.00 cover charge:
Lay off the staff who serve on your virtual reference service and out-source their jobs (at a fraction of the cost) to India where, ironically enough, the bulk of the questions to your service originate to begin with.
Ask Jenifer Grady how effectively to look the other way while cuts happen behind the scenes.... all while pretending to be helping
Follow the lead of the State Library of Pennsylvania by furloughing (i.e., firing) half your staff -- including the top 3 managers with library degrees -- cutting your hours to 3 days a week (no evenings either!), and stop buying new materials.
That'll work until next year, anyway.
This seems to have hit a raw nerve.
What great ideas! We have a large pool of homeless volunteers to use.
Sell the management's two Jaguars.
Replace management with decorative pieces of driftwood.
Remove the staff members who hate their jobs. Then force the 2 remaining to take a pay cut.
Charge patrons $5 for each piece of scratch paper, pencil, staple, piece of tape, use of ruler, etc.
Replace the "New Releases" section with existing paperback "Classics".
Remove all the finance magazines and replace them with DIY stuff like Natural Handyman.
Cut all magazine and newspaper subscriptions and fill periodical section with endless supply of donated back issues of National Geographic; start charging patrons to disable the filter from the computer so they can view porn; remove all tiny pencils and force users to take notes and fill out card applications with their own blood.
1. Get a pay to use toilet paper dispenser.
2. Replacing the free parking spaces with metered parking or valet.
Hire Google to scan and digitize the library staff, making them truly virtual (and then require them to pay for the electricity/computing power to animate them).
Reduce bandwidth on library computers and free library WIFI so that watching TV online is impossible (this happened in my local library). This gets the attention of many patrons!
Any child who mis-shelves (or un-shelves) an item shall incur a $2.00 fine for each item moved. Children with unpaid fines will be read scary vampire books and sent home for their nightmares. Parents will wake up to "Momma, pay the library fines, or the vampires will eat me!!!!"
Babysitting $25.00 per hour, plus un-shelving fees.
Credit card required for checking out more than 5 items. Once fines reach $10, credit card is charged.
For each item returned smelling of smoke, or who knows what, a fine of $10.00 will be incurred; 50% will go toward making the smell go away, and the other 50% will go to the part-time employee health care fund (a.k.a. 2nd hand smoke illness fund).
ugh
Replace management with new vampire books.
Lay off the IT department and replace the computers with pencils, paper, and a sign explaining how to use the neglected reference section.
Charge all teenagers who treat the place like a hangout a cover charge.
Charge quarters to use the computers. They're going to place games on them anyway, may as well treat the lab like an arcade.
Fire all IT techs over 65 who don't have a real degree in IT.
Pay toilets.
Eliminate inter-library loans between libraries less than two miles apart.
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