Browsers, Being evangelical about

Make all of your coworkers aware of which browser you endorse. Bring it up often in case people forget. Frame every discussion in terms of your preferred browser: "But have you looked at the online catalog through Netscape?" Realize that other people may not appreciate your browser like you do and that it is your responsibility to enlighten them. Go forth and spread the gospel. And while you're at it, launch an aggressive campaign to make all the library's public workstations reflect your browser preference too.

Editor's note: This post created with Mozilla Firefox 1.0.7.

Fragrances, Wearing

Make yourself more attractive to patrons, coworkers, and potential mates by regularly dousing yourself with cologne or perfume. Nothing hides the unpleasant olfactory combination of musty books and coffee breath like a splash of your favorite bottled fragrance.

Food, Stinking up the whole damn library with your

Occasionally you may need to eat lunch in your office. Close your door so the smell doesn't choke everyone in the library. And PLEASE... take your leftovers, food wrappers, and other smelly trash to an outdoor trash can. There is no reason anyone else in the library should have to smell your microwavable corndogs, Lean Cuisine linguine, or leftover fried fish.

And don't pop microwave popcorn unless you make enough for everyone. Mmm, popcorn smells so good.

Staffing

When filling a vacancy for a staff position in the library, make sure to hire the first bozo who walks through the door, qualified or not. This will make your short-term crisis of having to hire someone easier, though long-term effects might not manifest themselves for years. God forbid you embrace common management techniques like calling references and holding multiple rounds of interviews. And when you find out that your prized employee(s) have been doing the work wrong for years, you'll be able to take credit for that, you overcompensated moron, you.

Food in the library, Policing

Put your master's degree to good use by chasing undergraduates through the library for their blatant disregard of your food policy.

As coffee shops are becoming the norm in today's libraries, many institutions are rethinking those food policies. Be sure to keep some restrictions on food and drinks so that you'll still have something to be annoying about.

"No lid on your coffee cup, young man?!"

"Is that a spillproof container?!"

"Is that thermos ALA-approved!?"

Resumé, On posting yours on a listserv

Hi. You know that job listing on the listserv that someone posted yesterday? Go ahead and respond to that opening by posting your resumé and cover letter to the entire listserv. Really, it's the appropriate thing to do. See, I keep a mental list of these jackasses and it helps me figure out who not to hire. You're doing everyone a huge public service.

Blogger, Never admitting to being a

Bloggers should remain anonymous. Use a pseudonym. And for god's sake, never list it on your c.v. or resume.

Folk hero, Becoming a

Start a library blog. Librarians love to read about other librarians. Write a good one, and you might just end up being a folk hero.

White socks, On wearing everyday

Wear white socks with everything, especially with dark-colored pants and penny loafers that are falling apart at the seams. Occasionally, mask your wretched taste in clothing with a plaid blazer or a stonewashed jacket that you bought in 1985. This applies to both men and women.

Myspace.com, Joining

MySpace is a much-hyped online hang-out for hipsters. Finally let your friends wear you down and reluctantly sign up for an account. Soon you'll experience the joy of checking yet another email account, wrestling with poorly designed personal pages, and politely (yet awkwardly) declining friend requests from random skanks who really like your picture.

Or, sign your library up for an account and see how many friends you can get. Spend a lot of time updating and fine-tuning your library's profile. The rewards you reap will be worth all the time you put into it.

Instant Messages, Waiting for

No patrons want to chat with you about reference questions using your instant messenger (IM) service. Sorry. It was a nice thought though.

Wikipedia, On the inherent evil of

Be sure to drag down our profession by answering every reference question with "did you already check Wikipedia?" Ask the question as non-ironically as possible, and you'll probably see a good 40% drop-off in your daily work schedule. Note: make sure not to reveal the small factoid about Wikipedia being about as reliable as Ronald Reagan's memory when it comes to FACTS.